


Sins of the Father

by Ceallaigh



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, Force Baby, Hux Has No Chill, Post-Canon, Revenge, Ring in the New Year With Reylo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 08:05:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8971210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ceallaigh/pseuds/Ceallaigh
Summary: Unable to outrun the sins of his past, Ben Solo is faced with a ghost from that life that threatens his chance to finally find a peace he has sought his entire life.A part of the Ring in New Year With Reylo Fic Exchange.Prompts at the end of the story.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hormonal_Trashbag](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hormonal_Trashbag/gifts).



“Wake up,” Ben Solo heard from the corner of his dream. Someone was shaking his shoulder and desperately trying to draw him from sleep. 

“Ben,” the voice said with a little more urgency. “You have to wake up!”

He opened his eyes and rolled over. Rey wasn’t in bed but rather standing on his side of it in her nightshirt, her pregnant belly stretching it as far as it could go. He didn’t sense any danger. Oddly he didn’t sense much of anything. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked as he pushed himself up until he was sitting. “Did your water break?"

Out of the corner of his eye he saw someone’s arm turn the bedside light on, and that’s when everything including his dulled senses quickly came into focus. 

His heart skipped a beat when his eyes locked with Rey’s. He’d never seen her look so frightened. Behind her stood Armitage Hux with one hand holding her in place by the hair collected in the nape of her neck, the other holding a blaster under her jaw. A small lizard lay quietly in the folds of the duvet at the foot of the bed. 

He looked nothing like the Hux that Ben had remembered. That man was the embodiment of meticulous order. Boots shined like mirrors. Uniform impeccably pressed. Nary a hair was out of order. This man looked like a cornered beast threatening to pounce. The uniform had been traded for ragged clothing. His hair had grown over his ears, a ginger, untamed mess, and his face was covered by a matching beard that he never would have dared to grow while back when he stood at the helm of the Finalizer.

“This is what you turned your back to the Order for?” Hux spat, the contempt in his voice was nearly palpable. He tightened his grip on Rey’s hair and she stifled a small cry of fear. “Scavenger scum that you rut with like wild animals?”

“Ben,” she said, her voice shaky and small, “I can’t feel the Force.” 

He sat forward, wanting nothing more than to reach out to her. Hux shifted his blaster from her jaw to her swollen abdomen. “Hands on your head where I can see them,” he demanded. “I don’t want any surprises from you.”

He complied and laced his fingers together on the top of his head.

“While you’re at it, why don’t you tell the mother of your child why neither of you can feel the Force, _Ben_.”

He gestured to the lizard with his chin. “It’s an ysalamir,” he answered quietly, trying not to let his own anxiety permeate through his voice. “It creates a bubble around itself that neutralizes the Force. As long as we are in the bubble, we can’t connect with it.”

“It was a tricky bugger to find,” Hux pointed out. “But it levels out the playing field with freaks like you, so it was well worth the price.”

The general took a step back from the bed, dragging Rey with him by the hair until they at the foot of the bed. She winced in pain as he tightened his grip on her. 

Hux turned his attention back to Ben. “Your lightsaber, where is it?” he demanded.

“I don’t have one,” he replied.

Hux pressed the nose of the rifle firmly against Rey’s belly. “Do not lie to me, Kylo Ren!”

“He’s telling the truth,” she interjected, her voice filled with fear. “It was part of his sentencing. He’s not allowed to own one.”

“Then where is yours?” the general added. “Surely you both aren’t neutered.”

Rey tentatively gestured with her head as if she didn’t want to make a sudden movement. “It’s on the top of the nightstand on the other side of the bed. 

Looking Ben in the eyes, Hux issued his next demand. “You’re going to get up slowly,” he explained. “Keep your hands where I can see them. No funny business from either of you."

Ben didn’t need the Force to understand how terrified Rey was. One misstep, and the distance between the end of the blaster and her was something he could never overcome. For a fleeting second he considered throwing himself at Hux. His Force abilities may have been negated, but he still had a significant size advantage over the general. Yet it was too risky. Rey would be dead before he’d even reach Hux. He had no choice other than to comply. The stakes were too high.

Hux briefly pointed the far nightstand with the blaster muzzle before pressing it once again against Rey. “You’re going to walk over there and get me that lightsaber.”

Ben felt exposed dressed in only a thin pair of knit sleep pants, but he silently reminded himself that Rey was even more exposed.

“Just remember,” Hux added, “no surprises, Ren otherwise she’ll be the first to die. And trust me, I will not make it merciful.”

He wasn’t sure it was his nerves or some side effect of the ysalamir’s presence in the room, but Ben felt sick to his stomach. Nausea clawed at his insides, and he could feel the bile rise in his throat. He kept his hands on his head as he circled the bed. The floor was cool against his feet. Rey liked the room cooler ever since she reached the third trimester even it meant that his feet were constantly frigid. 

As he was about to round the corner of the bed, Hux stopped him. “No,” the general insisted. "I don’t want your back to me. Now move.”

Ben slowly turned around and backed his way toward the nightstand. “I’m taking my hand off my head to pick it up,” he announced as not to draw the general’s wrath. 

He made his movements slow and deliberate so that Hux could see what he was doing. For a second he contemplated picking it up and igniting it. He had mastered the all of the saber forms nearly a decade before. He didn’t need the Force to heft the blade. His muscles remembered each turn, thrust and angle. It would be so easy to cut Hux down, he thought to himself. 

Yet Hux managed to remain one step ahead. Pulling Rey in front of himself as a human shield, the general cautioned, “Careful what you do with that, Ren. Each one of your actions has definite consequences. Slowly set the lightsaber at your feet.”

Ben bent forward and placed the hilt in front of his feet before returning his hand to his head.

“Now kick it to me.”

Ben gave the lightsaber a push with his bare foot. He silently watched it as it skittered across the hardwood floor and came to rest at Hux’s feet. 

The general barely looked at it. With both of his hands occupied, he shoved it out the door and into the living room with his own foot.

“Are there any blasters in here?” Hux asked.

Rey shook her head. “No,” she answered. “We don’t own any.”

Hux turned his attention back to Ben. “Let me guess, you’re forbidden from having them too?”

Bowing his head a bit, Ben looked at the floor for a moment and silently nodded.

The general let out a scornful laugh. “What’s that Ren?” he mocked. “I didn’t hear what you said.”

Ben felt his ears flush with shame. There was a time when nothing Hux could say would ever rattle him. “That’s correct,” he admitted. “They are forbidden as well.”

“Oh, how the great Kylo Ren has fallen,” Hux scoffed. “Look how you willing allowed these murderers, thieves and spies to geld you. You are nothing now and as intimidating as a domestic pet. Tell me, do you still have your teeth, or did you allow them to take them as well?”

Ben said nothing for a moment and took a deep breath in as he absorbed the taunts. 

“What do you want?” Rey asked.

Hux turned his head to look at her face to face. “Why that would be retribution, my dear,” he answered. “You see, when you and your lover here decided to play house and betray the First Order, I lost everything. And now Ren, it’s time for you to lose everything you love. I want you to suffer just like I have.”

Directing his rage at Ben, the general added, “We could have lived as gods, but you chose to live between the legs of this whore and place that disgusting parasite in her belly.”

Hux took another step backward. Rey cried out as he jerked mercilessly on her hair. “I suppose she is whelping another one of you Force-wielding freaks. It’s a pity the Supreme Leader didn’t eradicate your kind as he had intended before his untimely demise.”

“Leave her out of this,” Ben hissed, finding the courage among the many layers of fear. “This is between you and me.”

“On the contrary,” Hux spat. “This has everything to do with her, Kylo Ren. Had there been no scavenger, you would have never left the Supreme Leader's side.”

“That’s not my name anymore.”

The former general chuckled. A little vein on the side of his face twitched as he gritted his teeth for a moment. “That is where you are wrong, Ren,” he hissed. “That is exactly who are you are, and who you shall be – a monster with more blood on his hands than coursing through his own veins.

“Do you really think something as childish as changing your name erases your past? If that’s the case, then you are more foolish than I have ever imagined.

“You’re Kylo Ren. Everything you touch turns to ash. It’s only a matter of time before you destroy this girl as well.”

Without saying anything else, Hux shoved Rey to the ground. She cried out as her knees struck the hard floor, and she immediately circled her arms around her pregnant belly. As she kneeled at his feet, tears started to pool in her eyes. 

He then placed the blaster at the base of her skull before he announced, “Any last words you’d like to share with her before we get on with things?”

“Don’t hurt her,” Ben pleaded, his voice filled with panic.

Hux smirked. Ben had finally bared his belly like a submissive dog who willing allowed the alpha to rip its innards out of it so chose. 

“Beg me.”

Ben was willing to do anything, even if meant humiliating himself if it could help her. Everything he did, he did for her, he desperately reminded himself.

“I beg you…” he started before he was abruptly interrupted.

“On your knees, Ren,” the general insisted. “I want you to really mean it.”

Without hesitation, Ben dropped to his knees, oblivious to the pain it caused as they made contact with the surface below. He allowed himself a single glace at Rey. Silent tears streamed down both of her cheeks. 

With blinding speed, Hux drew back this blaster and smashed against the left side of Ben’s face. Rey screamed out his name as his blood splattered across the room, hitting the bed and wall in an arcing trajectory as Ben sprawled across the floor.

His head swam and his ears rang. He fought the urge to vomit. The side of his face began to quickly swell. He couldn’t quite look to the left. Something around his eye felt wrong, and he was certain the blow had shattered something in the orbit of his eye, and perhaps the cheekbone as well.

Hux didn’t stop there. Ben let out a muffled grunt as the general’s boot connected with his abdomen. “Amazing how mundane and weak you have become when you’re defanged and cannot use that hocus pocus as a crutch.”

Oblivion called to Ben, and all he wanted to do was close his eyes. “I’m sorry, Rey,” he whispered. 

“You’re a traitor, Ren,” Hux spat out. “You betrayed us all. The Order is nothing more than a smoking pile of garbage.”

Ben pushed himself to his knees. He had to get to Rey or die trying. 

The general circled back behind Rey again, the ever-present blaster once again at the base of her skull. “And now I have nothing,” he said. “Everything I had worked so hard for is gone. And for what, an illusion of peace?”

“I’m begging you again,” Ben pleaded again. “Let her live. You can kill me. But please, let her go.”

“It doesn’t work that way, Ren,” he countered. “The way I see it, if I can’t find peace, neither shall you.”

Without fanfare, Hux pulled the trigger to the rifle and shot a bolt into Rey’s back before Ben could even react. The room filled with the bitter tang of blaster fire. Rey let out a strangled gasp, and the light left her eyes before she collapsed to the ground.

“Rey!” Ben screamed out. Hot tears blinded his eyes. 

He had once heard that parents were capable of lifting thousand kilogram speeders off their children trapped beneath the frame, finding superhuman strength that they never had. Even though he was still very much blind to the Force, he found the last vestiges of strength inside him. Rising to his feet he made the decision that if he was going to perish, he would take the vengeful general out with him even if he had to strangle the life from the man with his bare hands.

Grief and rage roared through, and he charged forward. While he didn’t feel the Dark Side of the Force, and he couldn’t draw from it strength, he knew it was hovering just outside the ysalamir’s bubble.

Hux fired his weapon twice more. The first bolt struck Ben in the thigh, the second in the abdomen. The pain was blinding and he collapsed on the bed in a crumpled heap. Rolling to his back, he blindly kicked at the other man, striking him squarely in the chest. The blaster flew in one direction, the general fell back in the other. 

Glancing over, Ben spied the ysalamir beside him. It had to be neutralized. He had to act fast and the only weapons he had were his hands. Grabbing the ysalamir by the tail and forced himself to stand. He swung the creature and dashed its head against the dresser. Once, twice until the creature grew slack and lifeless.

Immediately he felt the Force flow back through him, and he drew it to him like a lost lover. Both the Light and the Dark surrounded him with energy and gave him the strength he thought he’d never feel again.

Hux was on his feet and charging toward him, his blaster nowhere to be seen.

Ben felt electricity crackle in his palm. It sparked and hissed against his skin, yet it did not burn him. Reaching out blindly, he was uncertain of his target or how exactly to control it. He let out a scream, and blue bolt of energy flew from his hand and struck Hux in the chest, tossing him against the far wall like a limp ragdoll. The general convulsed uncontrollably until he stopped moving all together, and the life slipped away from him.

And as quickly as it had emerged, the lighting receded back into his hand. The effort had drained what little strength remained within him. Exhausted and bleeding out, he crumpled to the floor beside Rey.

He never imagined this would be the way he would die. He had always figured it would be Snoke that would snuff the life from him or on a battlefield fighting a war he no longer believed in. But he never thought that the final battle of the war would be waged in his bedroom.

He coughed once and tasted blood in his mouth. Rey wasn’t even an arm’s reach away. He reached out a hand so he could touch her cheek one last time. As he did so, she let out a little gasp. She hadn’t died after all, but she would if he remained on the floor doing nothing.

“Stay with me,” he pleaded. 

Reaching out with the Force he searched for his comlink and called it to his hand. As soon as it slapped into his palm, he used his thumb to program a call to Emergency Services. 

“First Response,” a woman’s voice crackled over the channel. “What’s your emergency?”

“There’s been an intruder,” he coughed. His voice sounded distant and muffled in his own head, as though he were light years away. He was quickly losing the battle with unconsciousness. The words stuck on his tongue, too heavy to form, let alone speak out loud. “My … my … Rey was shot. Please send help.”

“Help is on the way. What’s your location, sir?”

His head lolled back and struck the floor before he could answer, and his arm heavy and slack. He thought he felt the comlink slip out of his hand. All he could hear was the ragged wheeze from his own breath. Losing the battle after all, Ben Solo let go and succumbed to the darkness.

ooooo

The next time Ben opened his eyes, all the lights were on, and the noise in the room was too much to bear. His head throbbed and he could barely see out of his swollen left eye. There were too many people in his bedroom, too loud with their clipped commands to each other, too bright as flashes from recorders snapped holos of the disarray.

His gut felt like it was on fire, the pain dueling with the nausea that threatened to drag him back into the inky blackness of unconsciousness. He winced as someone pressed an icy cold bacta patch against his abdomen. Ben tried to pull back to stop the needle from sinking into his arm, but he was too exhausted to fight back. He felt like he was lying next to himself as he watched with a sense of detached wonder while someone attached it to an intravenous line leading to a bag of fluids.

He wanted to say something, to protest and beg them to leave him alone, but all that came out was a weak groan.

A woman knelt down to him. Only then did he realize he was on a hoverbed resting on the floor. “Ben,” she said quietly while sweeping his hair away from his face. “I’m Niya with emergency services. You’re safe now, and everything is going to be fine.”

She placed a mask over his nose and mouth and gently lifted his head briefly to wrap the elastic strap around the back of it. The oxygen that flowed had the sharp tang of the plastifilm mask.

“Rey,” he mouthed, quite certain his voice didn’t make it beyond the confines of the mask as the medics continued their work with little notice. Ben reached out with the Force to find her. He usually had no trouble making her out among the many currents in the Force. Her signature was always strong and radiant. But now it was distant and weak. But it was still there. He had no idea where she was, but her presence in the Force, as well as that of the child she carried, still called out to him. They were still alive, and that’s all that mattered. 

Ben tugged at the mask. The claustrophobia beneath it was suddenly overwhelming. But before he could yank it off, the medic gently grabbed his hand and guided it back to his side. “Leave it,” she quietly redirected as if she gave his hand a soft squeeze.

His fleeting interest in the mask was gone, and all he wanted to do was sleep. Before he allowed the silence of oblivion envelop him once again, he managed to lock eyes with the medic attaching wireless sensors to his chest. He blinked once. His eyelids felt as heavy, and he had to fight the urge to keep them closed.

“Rey,” he said a second time.

“She’s going to fine,” Niya said with a practiced grace that felt like it was just a scripted response she had learned to deliver a long time ago whether or not she knew the real answer. “She’s already on her way to the hospital. The trauma team is waiting for her.”

Ben nodded in reply as he lost the battle to keep his eyes open. Somewhere in the distance he heard someone bark orders and tell the evac shuttle that they were heading out. The repulsorlifts beneath him must’ve deployed and he vaguely felt like he was being lifted up. 

ooooo

Ben had no idea how much time had elapsed by the next time he opened his eyes. It could’ve been just a few minutes, or it could’ve been years. Time didn’t have any meaning at point. He’d traded one set of painfully bright lights for another, and everything still hurt. But he was no longer in his own home. It was obviously a medical center. He was stripped bare, his clothing had been cut away as a tech attended to the wound on his thigh while two more assessed the larger one on his abdomen. A bag of milky white fluid hung from a pole and flowed into the line leading to the crook of his arm, likely sanguisynth to replace all of the blood that he left behind on the floor in his bedroom.

“Don’t,” he weakly protested and tried to pull away as a droid ignored him and continued to apply small sensors along the angle of his shattered cheekbone. 

“Let it finish,” a voice admonished from the side of the narrow bed. “The measurements need to be precise to shift the bones back together.”

The urge to push the droid away was gone, and he let it finish its job. Technicians gently lifted his head to thread a harness around the back of his shoulders and looped it under his armpits. As they buckled it place, Ben managed to ask, “Where am I?”

“University of Theed,” the voice answered. “I’m Dr. Paku. You were in an accident, Ben. We’re prepping you for bacta once that bag of sanguisynth runs in. When you wake up, you’ll be feeling much better.”

Ben winced as the droid finished mapping the broken bones of his face with microsensors. “It wasn’t an accident,” he added. “Where’s Rey?”

He reached out once again to try to find her in the Force. Her signature was weak, like a candle flame struggling against the wind of a storm threatening to extinguish. Their child’s was even weaker. 

The doctor stepped into his field of vision. “They took her back to surgery a few minutes ago,” Dr. Paku explained. “She was critically wounded, and the baby is putting too much a stress on her system.”

His breath hitched in his chest. It hurt more than anything when he was a child and it felt like his family had abandoned him. He didn’t think he could bear anything like that to happen again. “I want to see her,” Ben demanded.

Paku gently placed his hand on Ben’s shoulder in an attempt to keep him from trying to sit up. “I’m sorry,” the doctor said, “but that isn’t possible. She’s already in surgery. They need to separate the baby so that they can help Rey.”

Ben reached to yank the IV line out. He needed to do something. He couldn’t just lie still and do nothing. But it didn’t take much for the doctor to overpower him and grab his hand. “It’s too soon,” he pleaded. “She’s not due for over a month.”

“It needs to come out,” the doctor stated. “There’s a …”

“It’s not an it,” Ben interrupted. His eyes prickled with tears that threatened to spill. “We’re having a girl.”

“And there’s a neonatal team in the OR ready to care for her once she’s delivered,” the doctor explained. “If they don’t take her out, there’s a good chance you will lose them both. The neonatal team will do everything to help the baby, but the surgeon’s main priority is Rey right now. Do you understand me?”

Ben effortlessly slipped into the physician’s mind. It was so easy to do without a barrier resisting him. In those fleeting moments that he searched the doctor’s thoughts, he knew that Paku was telling the truth. And all Ben could do was accept the harsh reality of it all. He blinked once slowly as he nodded his understanding, and the tears that had been swimming in his eyes broke free, streaking down both of his cheeks as the made their way into the tangle of his hair.

“I know you’re scared, and I want you to know that the trauma team is going to do everything it can to keep Rey and your daughter alive,” Dr. Paku stated. “But right now, we need to take care of you, Ben.”

An alarm chirped from within the treatment room. A woman’s voice called out from behind Ben. “The infusion is complete. The tank is programmed, and we are ready to initiate treatment, doctor. Shall I administer the Tranqarest?”

Ben recognized the name immediately. First Order interrogators would use it all the time to extract information. In small doses, it loosened lips and lowered inhibitions. In larger doses, it was a full-blown sedative that could knock out even a gundark for hours.

“Yes,” Dr. Paku replied. “Let’s start with 25 milligrams IV push.”

Ben felt the line leading to his arm shift as the tech grabbed it. His arm burned a bit when the medication entered his vein. Within seconds, the world began to slow around him, and the blinding exam lights seemed a little less bright. Suddenly keeping his eyes open felt like a monumental task.

“The Tranqarest is going to make you a little sleepy,” the doctor said, turning his attention back to Ben.

“I don’t want to sleep,” he heard himself answer.

“Trust me,” Dr. Paku added as the world went out of focus and became a fuzzy blur, “it makes immersion easier.”

Ben’s eyes slid shut, and suddenly there were no worries, no pain. Just the quiet cadence of his own heartbeat. He barely felt a hand on the side of his face. 

“Open your mouth, Ben,” a voice instructed from the oblivion. He didn’t put up any resistance as a mouthpiece slid into place, and a gloved finger tucked the phalanges into the undersides of his cheeks and another set of hands slide a nose clip into place.

He had the vague sensation of being pulled upwards. And as his head lolled forward, Ben Solo allowed himself to drift into the silent nothingness that wrapped around him like a warm blanket.

ooooo

For the second time that day, Ben woke up in a different place. The first time had been less pleasant—completely naked and soaking wet as he had emerged from the bacta tank. He’d been immersed in the sticky colloid for two days. He’d shivered while the techs had quickly dried him and helped him get dressed into a thin hospital-issue tunic and pants.

This time it was much more pleasant. The final whispers of whatever he’d been dreaming faded once again into the folds of his mind, and the comforting sensation of someone stroking his hair drew him from sleep. He opened his eyes and remembered where he was. His neck ached from being slumped over in the wheelchair he had fallen asleep in, his head resting on this arms that were perched on a side of a bed. Somewhere along the line, someone had draped a blanket over his shoulders and just let him be instead of insisting on transporting him back to his own room.

He slowly pushed himself up and blinked the sleep from his eyes before taking in the surroundings. Rey was looking back at him. Her hair was pulled into a single braid, and she looked smaller than he remembered.

“Hi,” she quietly smiled.

He raked his hand through his hair. She was dressed almost identically to him, right down to the matching ID band that circled her wrist. A monitor over her shoulder silently mapped her vitals.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, not sure of what to say after everything they had been through. It was his fault she was here in the first place. He would never out run his past entirely. 

“Tired,” Rey answered.

Ben nodded. He was beyond exhausted too. Bacta may very well remove any traces of trauma, but he still felt like he could sleep for a week. The injuries were gone, leaving only bone-aching fatigue in their wake.

Rey threaded her fingers with his, and he tightened his grip on her hand. There was no way he was letting go of her again.

“How long have you been in here?” She asked.

He glanced at the chrono on the wall. It was almost midday. The sun shone brightly outside the window. “Sometime before dawn, I think,” he said, his brow knitting as he tried to recall the details. “It was still dark out when they pulled me out of the tank. The nurses said you were out a few hours before that.”

Rey’s hand flew to her abdomen. Her suddenly wave of anxiety crashed through their bond as she realized she was no longer pregnant.

Ben gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “She’s okay,” he soothed. “They needed to surgically deliver her. You were losing too much blood.”

“Have you seen her?” she wanted to know

“Just briefly,” he said. A smile crept across his face as he recalled the fleeting first glimpse he had had of his daughter through the observation window of the neonatal unit. A shock of black hair, swaddled in a white blanket. He’d never seen anything more beautiful in his whole life. “She’s small, but she’s strong, Rey. She’s a fighter like her mother.”

Rey’s face lit up at the description. “Does she have a name?” she asked.

Ben shook his head. “Not yet,” he quietly replied. “I wanted to wait for you.”

The door to the room opened with a whoosh, and nurse entered with a datapad under one arm. “Oh good, you’re awake! My name is Tirzah, and I’ll be your nurse for the afternoon,” she exclaimed as she headed over to the bed. After plugging the datapad into the biomonitor, she scanned Rey’s forehead with a thermoscan and felt her pulse. She charted her findings and added, “How's your pain level right now?

“None, actually,” Rey said.

The nurse smiled. “Good. It looks like the bacta did the trick just in time for you to meet your daughter. She was cleared to leave the neonatal unit and join you here.”

Rey squeezed Ben’s hand tightly. He could feel the joy, excitement and even apprehension roll off her in waves. It wasn’t all that different from when she had whispered to him that she was pregnant. So much emotion wrapped up in a tiny little person he had never even met.

“I’d like that,” Rey said, a smile creeping across her face. “When can she make the move?”

“Now if you’d like,” the nurse replied.

“I would!” Rey said, barely allowing Tirzah to get the words out.

The nurse adjusted the settings to Rey’s bed and the head of it began shift upward. “Let’s get you into more of a seated position. She was just fed, so she’s good for a couple of hours. If you’re feeling up to it, would you like to try to nurse her for her next feeding?”

Rey nodded, and the nurse added as she headed out the door, “I’ll be right back with her.”

All of a sudden, Ben felt like he was overcome with uncertainty. It gripped at his gut with its icy claws. Worry and doubt, two familiar bedfellows that had followed Ben every day of his life.

“What if she doesn’t know who we are?” he blurted out. There, he had said it out loud. All of his insecurity laid bare for Rey to see in all of its messy glory. 

“Don’t be silly,” she chided. “She’s heard our voices for months. Pretty sure she knows who her amma and da are.”

“Not if they lock me up,” Ben said as he felt those invisible clouds of guilt and self-loathing return. They always had this uncanny knack of finding him no matter where he went. He looked out the window. The afternoon sky was a brilliant blue. It was only fitting that clouds gathered on the horizon for what looked like another storm later in the day.

Fleeting moments like this, he still wished he had his mask to hide behind. At least then he could camouflage his emotions from the outside world. Ever so slowly, he rose from the wheelchair, the blanket from his shoulders pooling behind him on the chair. He took a few tentative steps over to the window. There was no easy way to put his thoughts into words, and suddenly his mouth felt dry and was stuffed with cotton fluff.

“I violated the terms of my sentencing,” he explained. 

Everything he did moving forward would be measured against his sentencing agreement, he knew that the moment he’d signed the document and allowed himself to be chipped with a permanent tracker the previous year as the war winded down. While he went by his birth name now, there were enough people in the rebuilding Republic as well as the crumbling First Order that still saw him solely as Kylo Ren, a convicted war criminal and traitor to a despotic cause. A merciful—perhaps foolish, he thought to himself—tribunal had seen fit to spare him from execution and trade it for a lifetime of monitored penance, but even more still wanted him dead.

That meant pages and pages of rules outlining what he could and could not do without consequences. It would only be a matter of time before his disciplinary officer would be contacting him to sort out what happened. What had happened in their bedroom was definitely against the rules. If he were lucky, they’d only lock him up and throw away the key. If he wasn’t they’d reinstate his capital sentence. Messy things self-defense and mitigating circumstances still seemed like such foreign concepts to him, so why would they apply to him?

“I killed him, Rey,” he said from the window. “I called the lightning, and I killed Hux.”

Ben had only been able to create Force lighting once before. It had been wild and controlled, flying from his hand with no particular target sighted. At one time, when he was still seeking to extinguish the Light inside himself, he reveled at finally creating this rare art of commanding the Dark Side of the Force and forging it into a mercilessly deadly weapon. But now it only turned his stomach. He hadn’t even consciously thought of releasing that storm of energy in his bedroom. It just happened. Birthed from the anger and fear that won out as he’d watched Rey crumple to the ground, it had flown from his hand and had thrown Hux across the room before Ben had even realized what had happened. It was a sickening reminder that no matter what name he chose to call himself, the Dark still called to him and waited to rear its ugly head at any time.

“And the worst part of it all,” he added, his voice barely above a whisper, “I don’t regret it. I would do it again.”

“Ben,” Rey started to say.

“What if I can’t control it in the future?” He asked. When he closed his eyes, he could still see the bolts of energy fly across the room with such ease. He could still taste the acrid tang of ozone in its wake. “What if I use it on you? Or her?”

The door opened, and Tirzah returned pushing a small cart with a plastiform basinet on the top until it came to rest next to the wheelchair at Rey’s bedside. Scooping up the tiny bundle in its contents, the nurse called to him, “Ben, come meet your daughter.”

Tirzah waited for him to return to the bedside. The baby was sleeping. A dusting of dark lashes that matched that full head of black hair kissed the infant’s cheeks. Ben closed the distance and stood in silent wonder as he took in his daughter’s face for the first time. She was so small, so fragile. He was scared that he would hurt her by just touching her. Tentatively he reached out and stroked the tiny cheek with his finger. As he did so, the little girl opened her eyes, blinked twice and took in her surroundings. He couldn’t stop a smile from forming on his face if he had tried.

“A little over two and a half kilos,” the nurse explained. “Not a bad size for coming five weeks early.” 

The nurse shifted the baby in her hands and transferred the infant into her mother’s waiting arms. “I’ll be back later to check on you,” she added before heading toward the door. “Press the call light if you need anything.”

“Hello, little one,” Rey whispered, her eyes bright with wonder. “I’m your amma.”

“She needs a name,” he pointed out as he gently touched the baby’s hand.

Rey gazed down at the tiny girl who stared back at her with innocent wonder for several seconds, lost in thought as though she was contemplating the choices they had considered only a few days before.

“Amsah,” she said with a quiet confidence. “I think her name is Amsah.”

She and Ben had narrowed it down to a handful of names. Some were Alderaani. A couple were traditional names from Chandrila. Even a few had Naboo origins to reflect the adopted world they now called home. But Amsah was the only Corellian choice they had considered.

Of all the choices they had listed, crossed off and listed again, this one felt right. “It’s a beautiful name,” he answered as the reality of his daughter's name sunk in. 

Ben could easily see Rey in his daughter’s face and he wondered if the little girl would one day have a dusting of freckles across the bridge of her nose just like her mother. But when he looked closer, he also saw his own mother in the tiny features. Strong and determined, he already knew this girl would be a headstrong embodiment of both women.

“Does your mother know what happened?” Rey said. He was clearly projecting his thoughts without much of a filter. She was always able to pick up on his emotions, more so since he stopped trying to keep her out like he did when they were still on opposite sides of the war.

Ben nodded. “It sounds like they were able to get a hold of her sometime this morning,” he explained. “Some treaty mission in the Outer Rim, or something like that. Apparently she’s en route and will be here later.”

Rey smiled. “Better get your fill of holding her now,” she pointed out, “because your mother won’t set Amsah down until she leaves.”

Ben tried his best to laugh, but fell short. He settled for a forced sad smile. This should be one of the happiest days of his life, but he couldn’t help but shake the worry that settled in to his psyche. How many more were out there that had an axe to grind? Hux had been the first, and he certainly wouldn’t be the last that wanted to take justice into their own hands. He was able to stop them this time. But what about tomorrow, of the day after that? Would he be able to keep the next person seeking vengeance from harming Rey or their daughter in the process? He deserved the vigilante justice they sought to deliver, but his family didn’t deserve to be punished for his past transgressions. 

He felt Rey pressing at the forefront of his mind, silently asking permission enter. He was projecting his thoughts again. He could tell by the concerned look on her face. He usually did a good job keeping his musings private, but when he was upset, they were an open broadcast for any Force sensitive to hear that crossed his path. Rey pressed a final time before he politely walled his mind away. He was too frayed, and she didn’t need to see the mess that was scattered in his thoughts.

“What’s wrong?” she said out loud. 

Ben drew in a shaky breath. “I don’t deserve this,” he finally said as he started at the floor.

“Nonsense,” Rey insisted. “You’re her father.”

He paced like a caged animal. “I’m too dangerous,” he admitted. “It was too easy to let the Dark in. It was like closing your eyes and falling asleep. That’s how easy it was. I snapped, and I became a weapon again. What if I can’t control it next time?"

He turned his back to her and stared out the window. The Dark Side had been an intoxicating drug at one point in his life. But now he saw it as a toxin that poisoned everything he touched. 

“Ben,” she called to him. He wasn’t certain if she said it out loud or just inside his own mind. It didn’t matter. He heard it all the same, but still didn’t want to turn around.

“Ben,” she said a second time. “I want you to hold her.”

He turned to face her. Taking two steps toward Rey, he answered, “I can’t. I’m scared I’ll hurt her.”

“You won’t,” she countered.

“How can you be so sure?” But that was the funny thing about Rey. She was always sure. She rarely doubted, and that faith was what defined her.

“You would lay your life down for her if it meant keeping her safe,” she explained. “Because that is exactly what you did the other night.”

Ben closed his eyes for a moment. He saw himself drop to his knees and beg Hux to spare his family. It wasn’t anger or a lust for power that had driven him to end the renegade general’s life. It had been love. He had been willing to trade his life for Rey’s as Hux had held the blaster to her head. Even if it would’ve only bought her a handful of seconds to escape it would’ve been worth it. 

He let his thoughts wander a bit more and saw another father willing to make the same sacrifice, fully aware of the consequences and willing to accept that risk. In those memories he saw an old man standing on a bridge armed with nothing more than his unconditional love for his son. In those memories he saw his own father.

“Ben,” Rey called again.

When he finally opened his eyes, she was looking up at him. Without saying a word, she handed their daughter to him. He didn’t protest. Supporting the baby’s head and shoulders in one hand, he held the rest of her in his other. She was so small, so innocent gazing back at him with only a trust a newborn could offer.

Tears he didn’t even realize he had silently slid down his cheeks. Drawing the baby closer, he gently kissed her forehead before embracing her against his chest. The infant let out a small contented sigh and rested her head against him. Amsah relaxed against his body where he couldn’t tell where he ended and she started as she drifted to sleep.

“I never realized I could love something this much,” he confessed with a ragged whisper. How could something so pure, so innocent come from him?

“Neither did I,” Rey answered. “So where is this darkness you’re so worried about?”

“It’s always there,” he replied, pointing out the obvious.

Rey shifted in bed and sat up a little taller. “Well, where is it now?”

Ben kissed the crown of the little girl's head. “I don’t know.”

In that moment he realized that he held a light so powerful that it cast out the shadows the Dark Side. Both of his past teachers—his uncle as well as Snoke—had warned him that attachments would make him weak and taint his connection to the Force. But as he held his newborn daughter, his connection to the it had never been stronger. After decades of anger, sadness and suffering, Ben Solo found happiness. He found peace.

“The Darkness will always be there, Ben,” Rey pointed out. “It’s who you are, and it’s a part of me, too. There was a time when you used to let the Dark control you, and that’s what turned you into Snoke’s weapon.”

His larynx bobbed as he swallowed once. “I worry it still will.”

She shook her head to protest. “But don’t you see what happened? The Dark didn’t control you. You controlled the Dark when you called the lightning. You fought back, not because you were seeking the thrill of death. You called the lighting to your hand because you wanted us to live.”

Amsah fussed against his shoulder. Instinctively, Ben shifted his weight to his other foot and gently bounced her until she quieted.

“That’s a really fine line,” he said to Rey.

“It may be fine, but you still didn’t cross it.”

Someone knocked at the door, and nurse entered the room. “Sorry to bother you,” she said. “General Organa’s envoy has touched down. She wanted you to know she will be here shortly.”

Ben leaned over and handed the baby back to Rey. “You’d better hold her now,” Ben said with a small smile, echoing what Rey had said earlier. “You know what my mother's like. We'll be standing in line to hold our own kid.”

He kissed Rey’s temple and settled back into the waiting wheelchair.

“We’ll get through this, Ben,” Rey reassured and reached for his hand. “You’re not the person you were a year ago. You’re not alone any more. You have us.”

He laced his fingers with her. She was right. There wasn’t anything they couldn’t do together. A year after the war had ended, he was still learning how love drowned out the Dark. It had taken a lifetime to finally feel comfortable taking a risk and offering such a gift to others, and perhaps a little longer learning how to accept it. But each day, daunting things such as this became a little easier.

“Say it out loud,” she said. 

He must’ve been projecting his thoughts again. She'd heard his thoughts again. But this time he didn’t shut her out. Ben felt himself relax when she drew his hand to her mouth so that she could softly kiss his knuckles, and the words he had been thinking finally formed on his lips.

“I love you, Rey.”

**Author's Note:**

> Fiction prompts: "A year has passed since the destruction of the First Order, and Ben Solo has happily settled into his new life with Rey as husband and father-to-be. He wakes in the middle of the night to a furious Armitage Hux, previously presumed dead standing at their bedside with a blaster pressed against his pregnant wife's head."


End file.
